Goodbye Nicaragua 💌

Hello everyone!!! I think it’s only fair that in this blog, you should get a true glimpse into my heart and into what Nicaragua has taught me. We leave for Guatemala today already and I’m beyond excited but first, let’s reflect!

Wow! The Lord has been teaching me a lot about my heart here that’s for sure! I’ll just be straight up and say that honestly, i’ve been really confused about how I’ve been feeling. I’m going to give you a little back story on my testimony so this all makes sense! So fast forward a few years back— I was struggling with severe depression. As I started to come to know Jesus more, I realized that he died for this pain I was experiencing. Through a long process of prayer and surrender, he fully healed me from this (YAY JESUS!!!)! So, throughout the time he was healing me, the Lord was really working on restoring my outlook on emotion and how it could be a beautiful thing instead of so broken. The Holy Spirit began to speak to me through strong emotions I was experiencing such as passion, joy, or even sadness still. He flipped my heart and turned what was so broken into a pathway for me to hear his voice. How incredible is that!? He’s so kind. So, my emotions since then have been a gateway for the Spirit to intercede. But, as I’ve been in Nicaragua, this has not felt the same. It feels like my soul has been stripped of all emotion, good or bad. If I feel happy, my heart isn’t pounding out of my chest like I’d expect it to. And when I am feeling sad or lost, my heart just isn’t able to experience these feelings in the ways I almost wish I could. I’ve really been wresting with this because I felt like I was becoming numb to things and I didn’t like that feeling. In these last few days though, the Lord has been revealing things to me in this that have changed my perspective on this “struggle.”

On Thursday, our ministry host washed each of our feet. In this, he also spoke to each of us on what he saw in us through spending time together this past month. He told me that he saw this gentleness and humble expression all over me. He said that I had a lot of knowledge but I portray it gently and with love. This was incredibly encouraging to hear because it felt like i was stuck and not able to give what I wanted to at times. For him to notice this meant a lot to me. After this, my friend Mi prayed over me and I opened up to her about how I’d been feeling. As she was praying, the Lord was giving her this word for me: “ She is filling up as a spring has to be filled for the right time and then it will burst and overflow.” This was interesting to me because it made me imagine that in a single moment, all of my emotions would just come out. But, the more I thought about it, the more it made me realize that as God is pruning my heart and refining things in me, he needs a clear pathway. He needs me to be able to process things clearly. He wants to bring me to a place of boldness. This boldness does not come without emotion but it comes with strong emotion so he is preparing me for this season. In the waiting, I have to trust in him and trust that he’s doing a work that I cannot see or feel right now. As I wait on the Lord, I can trust that what he’s doing is more than I could’ve hoped for. I get to spend crucial time with him each and every day and through that, i’ve gained more insight into his love for me and that does not depend on anything that I feel. His character never changes. Despite how I am feeling, he always feels the same about me yesterday, today, and forever! As you read this, I hope it doesn’t come off as if God didn’t meet my expectations here in Nicaragua. He knew exactly what I needed here and he’s refining me for what’s to come. Nicaragua was the perfect place to create new rhythms and to be met exactly where my heart needed to be met at.

Sorry this post was so long! But I thought that those of you who’ve been supporting me deserved a true glimpse into what the Lord did in me through Nicaragua! ❤️